Bad Wisdom
by Miranda
Summary: A visit from her mother forces Sara to deal with some painful news and some painful memories. Part 4 added.**
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, nor am I making any money from this.  
  
AN: I've always wondered about the story behind the song "Bad Wisdom" by Suzanne Vega, and I decided to write one. It just so happened that I was watching CSI when the thought occurred and Sara was the one who walked on the screen, so she became the girl in the story. This does contain references to sexual abuse, so if that bothers you, please don't read it, but it doesn't get very graphic. I hope you enjoy it, feel free to tell either way.  
  
  
  
Bad Wisdom  
  
  
  
"C'mon Nick," Sara said with a disbelieving smile, "you can't honestly believe that he's telling the truth."  
  
"I do, I think that he killed the vic in self-defense, you just don't want to be wrong," he shot back at her with that oh-so-confident look.  
  
Sara sat back, crossed her arms and gave him a smile that clearly said, "I'm too stubborn to change my mind, but I'm going to patronizingly let you believe whatever you want to believe."  
  
She would never admit how much she loved this easy banter. She felt more like an actual part of the group at CSI than she had ever felt about anything before. She sat up a little straighter when Grissom walked in.  
  
"Sara, you have a visitor."  
  
Sara's smile disappeared at the sight of the woman in the doorway. She stood up quickly, smoothing her clothes and hair.  
  
'Hello, Mother."  
  
Nick watched Sara go from happy and warm to cold and reserved in a matter of seconds. He watched the woman responsible glance around the computer lab with a look of disgust and disapproval. Sara noticed it too and she made a vain attempt to straighten up the piles of papers they had been going through, wiping imaginary dust from the tables and pushing in the chair she had stood up from. Nick couldn't believe his eyes, this wasn't the Sara he knew, the Sara that was always so confident and self-assured, stubborn and brilliant. He wasn't sure exactly what had changed, but he definitely didn't like it and he didn't like the stranger standing in front of him looking around like she had just stepped in something disgusting.  
  
Sara stepped forward, "Mother, this is Nick Stokes, and my boss, Gil Grissom."  
  
A cool nod was the only response either of them got.  
  
"Sara, we need to speak. Would you be available to join me for lunch?"  
  
Sara glanced towards Grissom and at his nod, agreed.  
  
"Just one moment Mother, I'll get my coat."  
  
"I'll wait for you in the car out front, you know what it looks like." Without another word she turned and walked briskly down the hallway.  
  
"I won't be gone long Grissom," Sara said, walking toward the lockers. As she followed the hallway to the front of the building, Grissom and Nick shared a look that said simply, "Oh, boy."  
  
Sara tried to calm down on her way to the car, but nothing seemed to be working. Her mother hadn't talked to her in almost 7 years, since she graduated from high school and Sara was fine with the thought of never seeing her again. Seeing her again brought back all the memories she had spent years trying to forget. She ran her hands through her hair once more before lifting her head and walking to the car.  
  
It was still the same car, the same driver, who she greeted as she slipped in next to her mother. It only took a second before her mother started.  
  
"Sara, you look horrible. When was the last time you had your clothes pressed, and your hair done? You look tired and pale, and we both know that that is not the image one wants to present to the world. Of course I can't say that's surprising after seeing inside that place. So sterile and unfeminine. I never did understand why you couldn't at least pretend to be a woman. And your friend, not the older one, the one with whom you were laughing, I don't like him, he looks like a philandering type of man," she paused to look with a sneer at her daughter's carefully controlled face, "of course, that wouldn't matter personally, a man like that would never see anything in you."  
  
Sara didn't respond, she didn't move, she just absorbed the words and put them away deep inside with all the other dark things that had caused her pain. Her eyes never left the streets of Las Vegas as the car made its way to one of the down-town restaurants.  
  
After they had sat down long enough for her mother to criticize the way she walked, sat, ordered, how she ate and her choices of food she got around to the reason of her visit.  
  
"Your grandparents are dead, your Uncle Isaiah was driving them home from one of their benefits when he lost control of the car. He's fine."  
  
Sara was stunned. She took a deep breath and tried not to cry.  
  
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Sara, control yourself."  
  
Sara stood up slowly and in a perfectly controlled voice excused herself and walked to the bathroom. She still didn't let herself cry, she wouldn't give her mother the satisfaction of seeing what little make-up she had on smeared and running. Her mother had always hater her husband's parents and had never understood Sara's deep connection. They had been the ones to take her in when she was 14, to keep her safe. She took a deep breath and ran some cold water on her wrists before she felt composed enough to walk back the table where her mother was waiting.  
  
"Could we go now mother. I need to get back to work."  
  
"Right away Sara. Run back to your disgusting job and hide. I've served my purpose."  
  
Her mother paid the bill and they were both silent the entire ride back to CSI.  
  
"I'll be staying through the end of the week, I wanted to get some fun in, but since I don't plan on seeing you again, good-bye. I'll send you the information on the funerals once they are arranged."  
  
"I would appreciate that mother. Good-bye."  
  
Sara got out of the car and walked into the building and never once looked back. She had stopped hoping for a mother a long time ago. The hurt was still there, but there was no more wishful thinking.  
  
Nick was the first to see her after she had put away her things. She was on her way back to the lab when he ran into her. She was still cold and composed and a little bit of the light was gone from her eyes.  
  
"Sara, are you okay?" Nick asked, not bothering to hide the concern in his voice.  
  
"Of course, I'm fine. Did we get those test results back yet?"  
  
Nick smiled, "Yep, and you were right, some of those injuries were a few days old. Previously beating on someone, poisoning them and then claiming self-defense just doesn't add up. Good job."  
  
Sara didn't gloat, didn't even smile, just nodded and started to clean up. She remained distant the rest of the day, it was only once she was safely in her apartment, with the door closed and locked behind her that she let herself cry.  
  
"Mother the doctor knows something is wrong  
  
because my body has strange information  
  
He's looked in my eyes and knows I'm not a child  
  
But he doesn't dare ask the right question.  
  
Mother my friends are no longer my friends  
  
And the games we once played have no mearning  
  
I'm gone serious and shy and they can't figure why  
  
So they've left me to my own day dreaming  
  
What price to pay for bad wisdom  
  
What price to pay for bad wisdom  
  
Too young to know too much too soon  
  
Bad wisdom, bad wisdom."  
  
The dreams came that night. Sara wasn't surprised, her mother had dredged up too many memories today. She was 8 the first time and her mother had taken her to the doctor for her yearly check-up. He had seen the bruises and marks, of that she was sure, they stood out clearly from her hips and thighs. Of course the doctor didn't say anything, he would never dare to suggest that a Hanaman, her mother's family, would be the victim of abuse, so she didn't suggest anything either, but she could see the pity in his eyes as he waved good-bye. It happened again after that and soon she stopped playing with her friends. Their fantasy and games all seemed so pointless and stupid. She just wanted to be alone, so she wouldn't have to connect with anyone, so she wouldn't have to come back to herself and face her reality. She liked being disconnected and free, able to float above herself, away from it all.  
  
Sara woke with a start. Her hair was plastered to her neck and her sheets were tangled around her. She looked at the clock, she still had six hours before she had to go to work. She could use the overtime, she told herself as she headed for the shower.  
  
She gave no excuse as to why she was there early and no one asked. She watched herself all day as she played at normal. She laughed and smiled and worked and didn't feel anything. She once lived for this removed numbness, but now it scared her. Her lunch tasted like nothing and she couldn't feel the water slide down her throat as she swallowed. Nothing touched her, especially the random hands that occasionally connected with her body. She didn't remember what she said and she couldn't quite recall why she was laughing. The rest of the day blurred until she fell into an exhausted sleep. She couldn't remember how she had gotten home.  
  
"Mother you've taught me the laws are so fine  
  
If I'm good then I will be protected  
  
Well, I've fallen through the cracks and there's no getting back  
  
And I'll never trust whoever gets elected.  
  
Mother your eyes have gone suddenly cold  
  
And it wasn't what I was expecting  
  
Once I did think that I'd find comfort there  
  
But instead you've gone hard and suspecting.  
  
What price to pay for bad wisdom  
  
What price to pay for bad wisdom  
  
Too young to know too much too soon  
  
Bad wisdom, bad wisdom."  
  
She could remember the exact moment her mother had started hating her. The first time she had called the police, her mother had convinced them she was just delusional and they were too intimidated by the 4-story mansion to try to argue. As soon as they were gone, she tried to convince her mother she was telling the truth, but her mother refused to look past the anger and humiliation that was clouding her eyes. There were no hugs, no promises, just a slap across the face and angry silence. How dare she embarrass her and her family like that. The coldness in her mother's eyes killed the hope she had been hiding. He had heard too, heard that the great Mrs. Hanaman would never believe her daughter because she didn't want to believe her. He didn't sneak around as much after that, sometimes he didn't even wait until it was dark. No place was safe anymore, and she watched hopelessly as each day of pain and fear chipped away at her soul.  
  
Sara walked into work and tried to convince herself it would be fun to go on a shopping spree with this week's overtime paycheck. She wasn't as lucky today though, Nick followed her to the morgue as she signed for the body of her next case.  
  
"What were you doing here so early?" he asked, getting out the tools needed to collect any trace evidence from the body.  
  
"I was thinking about getting a new TV and I figured I could use the money," she lied easily. Sometimes it scared her how easily she could lie.  
  
"Oh, so what else have you been up to lately," he asked, watching her closely.  
  
After about 5 more minutes of Sara's monosyllabic answers he finally took the hint and gave up. Sara breathed a sigh of relief, somehow even the act of speaking required more energy than she had in her today. They spent the rest of the day processing all the evidence from the body and scene.  
  
Nick made one more attempt at conversation as they were cleaning up, "So, how long is your mother going to be in town?"  
  
"Through the end of the week." She shrugged on her coat and pushed in her chair. She gathered her things and walked out the door.  
  
Nick, wisely let her go. Something was bothering her, and he had enough experience to realize that sometimes people preferred privacy. Of course that didn't stop him from promising to stop by her apartment and check on her tonight.  
  
Sara microwaved some frozen dinner. Even though she hadn't really eaten in the past three days she was having a hard time convincing herself she was hungry.  
  
After about two bites of the unidentifiable brown mass in front of her, Sara gave up and sank down on the couch. She thought about her Grandmother, with the warm eyes and protecting hugs; her Grandfather, with his contagious laughter and deep wisdom. She couldn't believe they were gone, couldn't believe they were no longer a phone call away when things threatened to overwhelm her. The memories pulled her back to the past, to the time she had first found her future with them.  
  
"Mother I'm cut at the root like a weed  
  
'Cause there's no one to hear my small story.  
  
Just like a woman who walks in the street  
  
I will pay for my life with my body.  
  
What price to pay for bad wisdom  
  
What price to pay for bad wisdom  
  
Too young to know too much too soon  
  
Bad wisdom, bad wisdom."  
  
After that incident with the police she promised herself she wouldn't tell anyone, not if it would just bring more pain. She told herself she could handle it, after all she was 14 now, old enough to take care of herself. Or so she thought.  
  
That night her step-father had come home later than usual-her mother was already asleep, but Sara had decided to sneak a book from the library to take to bed. That's where he found her, drunk and staggering, with two of his friends close behind and almost as wasted.  
  
"There's my little princess," he said slurring, as he pointed towards her.  
  
"You guys said you wanted to have a little fun? Here it is."  
  
Sara was terrified and tried to rush past the men blocking the door, but they were quicker than they looked and before she could fight back they had her before them with the door closed. What happened after was worse than anything she could remember. Over the next two hours the men took turns with her- with various objects, in various positions until they were one the verge of passing out. At that point they let go of her and stumbled away to the bar in the next room where Sara could hear them pouring new drinks and laughing. She couldn't move for a while, but eventually her will to survive forced her body up the stairs to her room where she took some clothes and some money she had saved and escaped into the dark.  
  
Somehow she had found her way to her grandparents' house. They had taken one look at her bruised and tear-stained face and gathered her in their arms. Over the next few months she stopped jumping at every tough and started going back to school. They never pressed her to talk about what happened and never suggested she go back home, but they knew. The morning after she came they took her to the doctor out of town to make sure she was physically alright, and soon after had called her mother and coldly informed her that Sara wouldn't be coming back home. No charges were pressed, no one wanted Sara to go through that. Her mother never argued, she had been surprised to see her at her graduation a few years later. She heard that her step-father had drunk himself to death the year before, but her mother never spoke to her to tell her the details. And now the only people she had ever loved were gone and Sara didn't know if she could handle everything without them.  
  
She hadn't realized she'd been crying until a knock from the door brought her back to the present.  
  
Nick stood uncertainly outside Sara's door, unsure of how she would react to his showing up here.  
  
The door opened slowly and before she could say a word he pushed past her, 'What's wrong?"  
  
"Come on in," she said a little sarcastically as she shut the door.  
  
"It's obvious you've been crying, what happened?"  
  
Maybe if she wasn't feeling so vulnerable at that moment, so off-balance, so lost, so utterly alone, she would have done what she always had and lie, but almost beyond her control she heard herself telling him.  
  
"My grandparent's are dead."  
  
She walked back to the couch before she could read his expression.  
  
"When? Why didn't you say anything?" he paused, "is that why your mother came?"  
  
"Yeah," Sara said softly, "she wanted to tell me in person, so I could see her happiness at the news."  
  
Nick wasn't quite sure what she was talking about.  
  
"Why would she want to do that?" he asked softly, sinking down beside her on the couch.  
  
"Because she hates me and she hates them," Sara said bluntly, "hated—" she corrected herself, trying not to cry.  
  
Nick gently put his arm around her and drew her to his shoulder.  
  
"It's okay, you can cry," he said softly and so she did and Nick held her the whole time. Once her tears were spent she pulled back, embarrassed.  
  
Nick saw the embarrassment and pretended like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, as if having one of his best friends cry on him was nothing unusual. He stood up and closed off all his questions. She was obviously feeling very vulnerable and he didn't want to upset her anymore.  
  
"I'll leave you alone now. I'm really sorry about your grandparents," he walked to the door, "If you ever want to talk, I'm more than willing to listen," he offered before softly closing the door behind him, requiring no promises or false 'maybes.'  
  
Sara didn't move for a few minutes, surprised she had let herself trust him that much and surprised that she was actually not that opposed to his suggestion.  
  
She had nightmares that night, too. She was back at work early again the next day. Nick didn't embarrass her by saying anything and she went through all the motions of work. It wasn't until a little bit after lunck that her mother showed up again. She and Nick were just about to run some tests on fibers from their scene when she walked in the lab room. Sara was more than surprised, especially since her mother had said she wasn't going to see her again.  
  
"Mother, what are you doing here?" Sara asked suspiciously. She felt nick move up next to her.  
  
"I just had a talk with the lawyers and apparently your grandmother left you this note with specific instructions that I personally give it to you. The lawyers insisted I agree," she added in a tone that clearly implied that she had argued that point.  
  
"Thank you mother," Sara said politely, moving forward to take the note. Without another word her mother turned and left. Nick was once again surprised at the coldness of the woman.  
  
He turned to look at Sara, who was staring at the letter with absolute love. He quietly left the room so Sara could have some privacy. Sara noticed and waited until he was gone before she sank into one of the chairs and carefully opened the letter. Her eyes filled with tears at her grandmother's beautiful handwriting and had to blink several times before she could clearly make out the words.  
  
Dear Sara~  
  
If you are reading this letter then I am no longer living. I hope that by now you have a happy life- you deserve it. I also hope that you have forgiven yourself enough that you could handle your mother, forgive me if you couldn't. It was my hope that forcing you to see her would make you realize you can come to terms with your past. Sara, since the first night you came to us I have loved you like my own daughter and have often wept for all the pain you've had to endure. I just wanted to tell you something in case you've been having a little trouble figuring this out for yourself. Not everyone is like your mother and step-father, not everyone is out to hurt you. There are a lot of good people out there if you would let yourself trust them enough to find out. I know there's someone out there that's willing to listen. Talk to them- don't keep everything bottled up. I never pressed you for details because I never thought you were ready, but Sara, please tell someone. I'll be there for you always, even when you can't see me or call me, I'll always be there for you, not even death can take me from you. Please find a way to live your life fully. No one has earned their happiness more than you.  
  
Love forever,  
  
Your Gran  
  
Sara closed her eyes as tears trickled down her face, but these were cleansing tears, healing tears. She could hear her grandmother's voice as she read the letter again. It calmed her and suddenly she knew she'd get through this because her grandmother was right- there were people out there willing to help and listen and she had been lucky enough to find one. With a soft smile on her face she found Nick waiting in the hall.  
  
"You okay," he asked, still worried but relieved at the awareness in her eyes and smile on her face.  
  
"I will be," she said, "about your offer, as long as you're still serious—"  
  
"Always," he promised, taking her hand, "just name the time."  
  
The gray-haired spirit smiled at their retreating backs, peacefully confident that everything would work out, and that Sara finally had a chance at some true happiness. 


	2. Bad Wisdom: Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own these character, and I'm not getting paid anything for using them.  
  
Author's Note: I didn't expect people to like "Bad Wisdom" but it seems like some people did. You even asked for a sequel. I never meant to write one, I meant to leave it an open ending, but I guess you convinced me to keep it going. I tried to keep them in character, but some could argue that it doesn't seem like them. The thing is, I can only predict how they would act under these conditions…How would Sara act if forced to confront things she'd rather forget? Would she fall apart (too messy)? Would she completely shut herself off (that'd be a fun story)? I don't know, but if anyone wants to argue with me, or offer suggestions on this matter, I'd enjoy it. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to try to explain. I hope the spelling and grammar are better, I didn't read through the other one before I posted it, but those kind of mistakes always bother me, so I tried not to screw this one up. Hope you enjoy. If you have any comments or suggestions about the way it's going, I'd appreciate it.  
  
  
  
"Bad Wisdom: Part 2"  
  
You know how people say "Things will look better in the morning?"  
  
People lie.  
  
Yesterday Sara had felt wonderful about making a date with Nick to "talk." Today was a different matter.  
  
Without all the self-confidence and hope her Grandmother's letter had inspired fresh on her mind, Sara was in major panic mode.  
  
'I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm going to sound like a complete idiot. I'm sure he doesn't really want to listen to me complain, especially about something that happened 9 years ago. There is no possible way I'm going to be able to talk to him about it. How would I even start—"Hey Nick, the real reason I needed to talk is because I was abused as a child and I'm having a little trouble getting over it- wanna help?" No, that didn't sound needy or neurotic.'  
  
She tried to tell herself to quit thinking that way, but her stomach refused to unclench the whole way to work. Not that it was any better inside, she discovered.  
  
She had just finished putting away her stuff when Nick walked in the locker room.  
  
Sara swallowed hard and measured the distance to the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Nick saw the terrified look on her face and gave her a reassuring smile. Knowing her, he figured she was probably nervous about tonight, so he avoided mentioning it. To be perfectly honest with himself, he was a little nervous too. What if he had made a mistake in offering to listen? What if he couldn't help? What if his knowing about her problems made her so uncomfortable around him that it ruined their growing friendship?  
  
He refused to let any of those doubts show on his face as Sara smiled back and practically ran from the room.  
  
Tonight wasn't about him anyway. It was about Sara. Today it didn't matter how it affected him, the only goal was for Sara to open up a little and get some things off her chest.  
  
He could handle it.  
  
  
  
It never ceased to amaze Sara how relevant the passing of time was in connection to a person's state of mind. If you had something to look forward to, time crawled by, but if you had something you were dreading, time just soared.  
  
Too bad Sara refused to accept its speedy travel.  
  
Even after the clock told her she only had two hours before her meeting with Nick, she continued to dawdle. She kept under the speed limit the whole way home, and opted for the stairs in her building. She took a leisurely shower and slowly blow-dried her hair. Anything to make time seem slower.  
  
Problem was, time was just as stubborn as she was and paid absolutely no attention to Sara's vain attempts to stretch it out.  
  
Sara was just slipping her shoes on when Nick knocked.  
  
Her stomach dropped once before she stepped forward and opened the door.  
  
'Oh, Grandma, please help me get through this.'  
  
  
  
Nick grinned at her as she opened the door, hoping to get a smile in return.  
  
No such luck.  
  
Just the trapped look on her face made him want to give her an excuse not to go through with this, but somehow he didn't think she'd take the easy was out. From what he could tell Sara was the type of person who instead of going back on her commitments and word, and admitting she couldn't do something, she'd rather lie to your face and push herself until she dropped.  
  
He could tell she would rather be doing anything else at the moment, just the look on her face gave that one away, but yet here she was ready to suck it up and go.  
  
Sometimes he really admired her for things like that.  
  
"Ready to go?" Nick asked lightly.  
  
"Sure," Sara said, straightening her shirt, "just let me get my coat."  
  
Nick had told her to dress comfortably and she hoped her shirt and jeans were what he meant.  
  
She really wished he would have given her a hint at what they were going to be doing, but he refused to give an inch. "Just let me handle it," was the only thing he'd say.  
  
Nick ushered her out the door and into his SUV. He kept silent hoping to give Sara a chance to relax.  
  
It took about 20 minutes until they arrived.  
  
Sara looked around at the tree-lined drive curiously, but Nick only smiled at her when she shot him a questioning look.  
  
He parked in a small circular arc at the end of the drive.  
  
"Where are we?" Sara asked, following him out of the car.  
  
"This is my Grandfather's land. This is my favorite place to come when I feel a little off-balance. All the trees and greens seem like a dream here in Las Vegas, always made me feel like I'd stepped into another world. I've never brought anyone here, but I wanted to share it with you." Nick felt a little silly at the way he sounded, but it was the truth, he could forget himself here.  
  
Sara couldn't think of anything to say to that so she just watched quietly as Nick grabbed a large basket and backpack.  
  
"Let's go."  
  
  
  
They had been walking about 30 minutes when they stepped into an open meadow full of flowers that were just beginning to bloom. Vibrant purples, yellows, and whites combined with the dark green grass for miles.  
  
Nick opened the backpack and took out a large blanket. He spread it open under one of the willow trees and bent down to start unpacking all the food.  
  
They had shed their jackets as they warmed up during the walk and they were both set aside with their shoes.  
  
It had become a beautifully warm day and they both took a moment to enjoy being out in the sun before they started eating.  
  
Five sandwiches, three oranges, and two blueberry muffins later they slowed down. Sara sat back, content for the moment.  
  
This place, this atmosphere had made her forget why she was here in the first place.  
  
Until Nick cleared his throat.  
  
Just that one sound, serious and anticipatory, brought her back to herself with such a thud and sense of apprehension that her stomach suddenly refused to digest her food and the sun burned down like a spotlight.  
  
Bright and exposing.  
  
"How often do you come here?" Sara hurredly asked, it was a pathetic attempt to distract the conversation from its purpose.  
  
Nick understood, sometimes she was just that obvious, and decided to play along for a while.  
  
"A lot actually," he said leaning back on his elbows, stretching his feet out in front of him. "Every chance I get. I sort of grew up out here. My mother and I don't get along very well so I spent most of my summers and vacations out here with my Grandpa."  
  
Sara listened intently, truly interested in what he was saying. She didn't really know too much about him, they'd never gotten very personal.  
  
Sara liked it that way. She wondered if he could tell how vulnerable she felt, these past few days had definitely shown her weakness.  
  
She wasn't herself, even she could feel the difference, all the hardness had started cracking. She didn't have anything to prove her worth with, prove that she was just as good, fast and smart as everyone else- better even. She couldn't think of any witty remark calculated to push people away and keep herself in.  
  
She didn't like the change at all.  
  
She glanced up to find Nick watching her closely and she fought the urge to stand and pace.  
  
"So, why don't you get along with your mother?" Sara asked.  
  
She wanted to know about him, connect somehow, find some sort of parallel or empathy so she could justify to herself the trust she felt with him.  
  
Nick debated with himself about telling her the truth. It had changed things between him and Catherine when he had confided in her. He could tell she felt sorry for him, pitied him, and he didn't want that with Sara.  
  
He settled for an illusive, "Reasons," and feeling uncomfortable, turned the tables back to her, "besides, this is supposed to be about you, not me. Why don't you get along with your mother?"  
  
Sara felt the disappointment at his answer.  
  
"Oh, no real reason," she lied.  
  
Nick didn't believe her for a second, but he didn't push. He just changed the subject. "Tell me about your grandparents."  
  
"They were the most wonderful people in the world, and they died in a car accident."  
  
Sara was mad, and suddenly felt very alone. She didn't like being the one giving it all and getting nothing back. He hadn't really answered her question, why should she really share it all with him.  
  
It must have been the emotions involved, because, suddenly Nick was angry too.  
  
"Fine, you don't want to talk to me, don't." He punctuated the harshness of his tone by angrily putting the left-over food back in the basket and standing up to fold the blanket in a hurried, jerky motion.  
  
"I just have one question," he said before he started walking, "if you weren't going to talk, why the hell'd you ask me to?"  
  
Sara was too surprised by his sudden anger and her own emotions to have a chance to answer him before he stalked down the trail to the car. They were both silent on the ride back.  
  
  
  
By the time they pulled up in front of Sara's apartment, their anger had faded. The only thing either of them felt now was regret, sadness, and a little bit of shame.  
  
Sara got out of the SUV silently, wishing Nick would say something—anything, but she was too proud to turn back to him, so she just kept walking.  
  
Nick silently watched her walk away, wishing she would turn around and say something—anything, but he was too ashamed of the way he had acted, so he just continued watching. 


	3. Bad Wisdom: Part 3

Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't get money for this.  
  
AN: I know this isn't the best chapter, but it'll get better (or at least I hope you think it gets better). Thank you to everyone who has reviewed it inspires me to actually write some more instead of putting it off. Oh, yeah, I'm still open to suggestions if anyone has some.  
  
  
  
Bad Wisdom: Part 3  
  
  
  
Sleepless nights were becoming a pattern for Sara.  
  
She finally gave up all pretense of rest an hour before her alarm was set to go off. Her usual morning routine- showering, dressing, eating- took all of about 20 minutes. She didn't want to go to work early again, people were starting to give her weird looks, and maybe it was her pride, but she didn't want everyone to think she was pathetic enough to have that little of a life outside of work…even if it was true.  
  
She finally decided to take a walk to kill some time. She refused to let herself think about yesterday—at least for the first 30 minutes she was conscious, but the fresh air and blue skies that greeted her as she stepped out of her apartment refused to let her have that piece of mind.  
  
Every stretch of grass, every flower and bird—everything reminded her of yesterday.  
  
She should have known better than to try to open up. The same thing happened every time, why the hell couldn't she just make her heart remember that?  
  
She worked on clearing her mind the whole way back to her building and by the time she climbed into her car she was once again behind the glass wall that had shielded her so well from most emotions. She'd just pretend that nothing happened and avoid Nick.  
  
Simple as that.  
  
  
  
Nick's feet beat into the pavement. Running usually helped him clear his head, but nothing he had tried so far could help him erase the image of those haunted brown eyes.  
  
He was ashamed of himself, he had let his emotions rule out over his rational thought.  
  
It wasn't something he let happen very often.  
  
He had to make it up to her somehow.  
  
He desperately didn't want to lose her.  
  
  
  
Sara was sent out to a scene with Catherine practically the minute she stepped through the door. As they headed for the car she tried to convince herself that the pang in her stomach was relief at not seeing Nick instead of the longing her heart claimed it was.  
  
They got to work as soon as they stepped out of the car- photographing, collecting, and logging all the evidence. It took most of the day before they were satisfied that they had gotten everything that might help solve the case.  
  
Catherine had been watching Sara closely all day, something didn't seem right. It seemed like her heart wasn't in it, and for Sara that was unusual.  
  
She waited until they were in the car before her natural curiosity get the better of her.  
  
"Is something wrong?"  
  
Sara refused to meet her eyes, "No, I'm fine."  
  
Catherine glanced at her, "All right, it's just that you seem a little…distracted."  
  
"Sorry, but I don't have anything to be distracted by." 'Unless you count my life falling apart a distraction,' she thought.  
  
Catherine didn't press the issue, and they finished the ride in silence.  
  
  
  
Nick had spent the day in the lab processing some of the trace from his DB. He had heard that Sara and Catherine were on a case and he was kind of glad to have some extra time to prepare himself before he ran into her. He still couldn't think of a way to make his behavior up to her.  
  
He could feel her the second she walked into the room, there was a change in the air that only she created (and only he felt).  
  
"Hey, Nick, you the new lab rat?" Catherine asked with a smile, "Where's Greg?"  
  
"He's working on Grissom's case," Nick said watching Sara, who was standing quietly near the door.  
  
Catherine glanced back and forth between the two.  
  
Oh, yes, there was definitely something going on here.  
  
"Well, I have to go talk to Grissom about something," she said walking to the door.  
  
Neither of them heard her—Nick was too busy trying to get Sara to look at him, and Sara was too busy trying to pretend he wasn't there.  
  
After a few minutes of awkward silence Nick stood up.  
  
"Well, I'm done here. It's all yours."  
  
Sara didn't reply, she didn't look at him. It wasn't rudeness, it was just quiet acceptance.  
  
Nick paused at the door and turned back to her.  
  
Sara refused to turn and meet the eyes she could feel looking at her, she just continued to get the equipment she needed ready to run the prints they had found.  
  
Nick watched her for a minute before closing the door behind him with a sigh.  
  
Sara grew still when she heard the click of the door. She forced herself to stay in the chair until the urge to run after him had passed.  
  
  
  
Sara rubbed her eyes as she gathered her coat from her locker. It had been a long shift and she felt amazingly drained.  
  
There was only one thing she had to do before she left for the day.  
  
She knocked softly on the door before stepping into the office.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Hey, Grissom, I need to take some personal time. About a week, probably less, starting tomorrow. I know this is short notice, but I just found out about it today."  
  
Her mother had left a message at the front desk to tell her that the funerals were in two days. She could get a plane ticket, pack and get a good night sleep before she had to face her mother.  
  
"Sure," Grissom said, wanting to ask why. He knew Sara a little bit better than everyone else and she had never asked for time off before- she didn't even use her vacation days. But Grissom had a policy not to get involved in the lives of his co-workers unless it directly interfered with their work and safety, it was less messy that way.  
  
"Thanks. Bye Grissom."  
  
"Bye."  
  
Sara made a stop at the drug store before she went home and with a little help from some Sleep Gels, quickly fell into the wonderful oblivion of sleep-induced unconsciousness.  
  
  
  
Nick had watched Sara as she headed for her car, he had also seen her ask Grissom for some time off and he was worried about her. He knew that she would never forgive him if she found out, but he told himself his role as a friend demanded he help her- even if she was too stubborn to admit she needed anyone, and no matter what the cost.  
  
So he snooped.  
  
Getting into her locker was easy- misspent youth- and finding what he was looking for was even easier. The locker was empty except for a few files and some slips of paper. He flipped through the slips until he got to the message from today.  
  
'Funerals in two days, Sunset Cemetery, 2:00."  
  
So that's why she had asked for the time off.  
  
He got all his stuff and walked back to Grissom's office.  
  
"Grissom, I need some time off."  
  
"No."  
  
Nick stopped, "What do you mean, No?"  
  
Grissom looked at him with that look, "I mean, no. I can't let you have the time off, Sara's going to be gone for the next few days and I can't be that short on help."  
  
"Grissom," Nick started, shutting the door and sitting down in one of the chairs, "did Sara tell you why she needed the time off?"  
  
"No," Grissom said, curious now.  
  
"She has to go to her Grandparent's funerals." Nick hated letting that information out when he was pretty sure Sara didn't want anyone to know, but he needed to convince him to let him go.  
  
"So, you want to go for what, moral support?"  
  
Nick nodded.  
  
Grissom sighed, if it was true Sara would need all the friends she could get, and let's face it- underneath it all, he's got a soft heart.  
  
"I guess we can get some of the day shift to switch for a bit," he paused to look Nick in the eye, "take care of her, all right?"  
  
"Always." 


	4. Bad Wisdom: Part 4

Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't get money for it.  
  
AN: Almost done! Thanks for sticking with me, I should have the last chapter up tomorrow. Hope you like it, tell me either way.  
  
Bad Wisdom: Part 4  
  
There's always a sense of peace when you make a plan. Your future again has a goal to work toward and for a brief time you have purpose.  
  
Nick felt that peace and purpose, he only had to put his plan into action.  
  
AS soon as he got home he called Information for the San Francisco area of California. He knew that was where Sara had worked before and he was hoping that was where the funerals were.  
  
There were three Sunset Cemeteries in that area and Nick called them all. No reservations under Sidel at all.  
  
Oh, well, sometimes the really important things take some time.  
  
So he called back...42 Sunset Cemeteries in the whole of California.  
  
Nick sighed and settled back- this was going to take awhile.  
  
24 calls later--Bingo!  
  
The chances for two funerals under the name Sidel at 2:00 in two days were slim enough for Nick.  
  
He called the local airport and booked a ticket for the next afternoon.  
  
After checking the time Nick headed for bed, the phone calls had taken longer than he had thought and he wanted to get up early the next day to have time to get ready.  
  
He fell asleep easily, his mind full of the hope that everything would work out.  
  
######  
  
Sara woke up slowly the next day and rolled over to squint at the digital clock next to her bed.  
  
5:00 PM!  
  
The realization shocked her body awake, she had meant to get up so much earlier than this so she could get to California and get a relaxing night's sleep. Guess those sleeping pills had worked a little too well.  
  
She jumped out of bed and took a record setting shower.  
  
Feeling a little bit better she called the airport and got a ticket for the 11:30 flight that night.  
  
She started packing and by 6:15 was almost ready. She only had one thing left to do, go shopping for a dress to the funeral. She had practically torn apart her room trying to find something appropriate but had come up empty.  
  
Two hours later she was satisfied with the simple black dress and heels she had found and an hour later she was on her way to the airport.  
  
So much for getting a good nights sleep.  
  
***********  
  
Nick on the other hand had checked into a hotel in the wonderful town of Lodi, CA before Sara was even on her plane.  
  
He spent the day wandering around, settling in and nervously napping trying to get his body used to being awake during the day.  
  
He had decided to wear the suit he had worn to his own grandfather's funeral the year before. So it was will mixed feelings of sadness and respect that he laid out the clothes. He missed his grandfather so much, the old man had been more of a father figure to him than his distant biological parent had been.  
  
He ordered in and got ready for bed. He wondered where Sara was and whether she was all right.  
  
%%%%%  
  
Sara was amazingly not all right, she was down right depressed. Once the plane had finally landed she had been forced to take a taxi driven by a reincarnated Spanish Inquisitor to her grandparents house which was already occupied by her newly widowed aunt and two cousins all of whom she couldn't stand.  
  
They were coolly reserved towards her- she had always been the black sheep of the family, and every time they moved things around the house to different spots to make room for their stuff Sara wanted to scream.  
  
How dare they change things? This was her grandparent's house, the house that was filled with comforting memories and familiar objects, and they were destroying that.  
  
Sara wearily climbed the stairs before she strangled them.  
  
At least her old room was free. She didn't even take the time to unpack before she collapsed on the bed.  
  
She felt like she could just sleep forever.  
  
**********  
  
The next day dawned bright and early, with blue skies and white clouds. Sara was happy about that at least, this was the kind of perfect day her grandparent's had loved. They would be happy to be remembered and honored on a day like this.  
  
She wiped away the tears that had found their way down her face at the thought.  
  
Oh, how she missed them, in her heart they were her real parents. They had given her the will to live and even laugh at a time when she had thought death was preferable to the desperate existence in which she was trapped.  
  
She waited her turn for the bathroom and took her time to carefully arrange her hair.  
  
She made herself the kind of wholesome breakfast her Grandma had used to make for her and spent the rest of the morning in the garden behind the house, just remembering.  
  
1:00 rolled around quicker than she had thought and a few minutes later she was packed into her aunt's car on her way to say good-bye to the people who had given her life.  
  
#####  
  
Nick had gotten up at his alarm and immediately went for a run, he needed to try to relieve some of the nervousness growing in his stomach.  
  
He took his time showering and shaving before he dressed. He ate a small breakfast at a nearby café and made his way to the cemetery.  
  
He parked behind a long line of cars and walked towards the open doors of the small chapel.  
  
He was amazed at the number of people there.  
  
He glanced around, but didn't see Sara. He found himself moving with everyone else to stand in a line leading to the two coffins at the head of the room.  
  
#######  
  
Sara held herself rigidly, she knew if she allowed herself to relax she'd just cry and she didn't want to break down like that in front of all these people. She was glad to see so many faces, though, her grandparents had been loved by everyone they'd ever met. They'd had a knack for winning over even those determined to hate them.  
  
A series of murmurs from the part of the chapel closest to the doors drew her attention and she moved out of the corner she had been standing in.  
  
Even now her mother caused a stir in this town, her name and wealth still carried something here.  
  
Sara was surprised when she felt the anger rise up inside of her instead of the sense of failure she usually experienced around her mother.  
  
Everyone else in the building faded away as Sara walked to where her mother was standing.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
Her mother gave her a loving smile, the one her daughter only saw when there were other people around watching.  
  
"I'm just paying my respects, dear, and I didn't want you to have to go through this alone," she said pitching her voice so that it carried to the ears of those near them.  
  
Sara seethed.  
  
"Bullshit. You couldn't care a less about me and you hated them. The fact that you are even in the room disgusts me and flaws their memory. Get out!"  
  
Her voice had grown louder and the last words were a shout.  
  
Her mother chuckled nervously, glancing around at the faces of everyone who had turned to find out what was going on.  
  
"Sara, honey," she said patting her arm, still glancing around, "I know you don't mean that. I understand what you're going through. It's just the grief making you say these things."  
  
Sara slapped her hand away, a lifetime of unvented feeling powering her words.  
  
"You could never understand how I feel, it requires a heart to understand how it feels to lose a parent. They were my parents! You are just a pathetic excuse for a human being!"  
  
The slap was unexpected.  
  
"I could have been your mother, you ungrateful little bitch, if you had been a daughter instead of a whore!"  
  
No one said a word as the older woman turned and walked with her head high out of the chapel.  
  
All the emotions that had fueled Sara were fading and suddenly she was aware of every pair of eyes staring at her.  
  
She turned and walked to the coffins, the people around her backing away as she moved.  
  
She stopped in front of the bodies and smiled down at them.  
  
"Well, that went well, huh?" her voice carried in the silence.  
  
"I love you guys- I'll never forget you or what you did for me." She kissed them both lightly on the forehead and closed her eyes.  
  
She didn't even look up when a gentle hand settled on her back and led her to the doors. 


	5. Bad Wisdom: Part 5 *The Final Chapter*

Disclaimer: I don't own `em, don't get paid for this.  
  
AN: Finally the end. Thanks for reading. Tell me what you thought of the end.  
  
Bad Wisdom: Part 5  
  
Nick's mind was reeling.  
  
He had still been close to the door and had heard every word the two women had said. He didn't know what was going on, but the empty look on Sara's face was the only thing at the moment that concerned him.  
  
He could hear the people inside start talking again and begin to go back to what every they had been doing.  
  
He finally stopped walking under a large tree and watched Sara stare at the ground.  
  
His heart ached for her.  
  
"Sara?"  
  
Her head moved up at the familiar voice, "Nick?"  
  
She was confused, what was he doing here?  
  
A few tears slipped past her guard and Nick found himself blinking back tears of his own.  
  
"Do you want to stay?"  
  
Sara met his eyes.  
  
"No, I've said good-bye, that's only their bodies in there, I've got the rest of them here," she said, moving her hand over her heart.  
  
Nick nodded, he understood.  
  
He took her arm and led her to his car.  
  
"Where do you want to go?"  
  
"Home."  
  
########  
  
Nick followed her directions easily enough and in a few minutes they were back at her grandparent's house.  
  
Nick stared at the three story, 10-bedroom, blue and white house with the wrap-around porch, two small balconies, and old porch swing in awe.  
  
It took a minute for Sara to realize that he wasn't next to her anymore as she walked toward the front door.  
  
She turned around and walked back to where he had stopped and looked up at the house with him.  
  
"They always wanted a large family, a big house filled with kids. They always felt like their money went to waste if it wasn't spent on a child."  
  
Nick watched her face as she spoke, her eyes softened and her lips smiled softly.  
  
"I wish you could have met them, they really were the most wonderful people in the world."  
  
They walked through the warm house to the garden in the back.  
  
It had always been Sara's favorite place.  
  
"Thanks for getting me out of there."  
  
Nick looked at her closely, "Are you okay?"  
  
"Sure, I'm fine," Sara lied.  
  
"You can admit it, you know. I won't die of shock or lose all respect for you if you admit that you're human and that you aren't completely together right now."  
  
"We built this garden together, me and my grandma," she said ignoring him. She sank down on one of the benches, her eyes focused on the past. "We planned out the colors so it would be beautiful in the summer and we planted the herbs and vegetables so we could taste the sunshine at dinner.  
  
She would read to me out here, poems that we could both recite in our sleep. Then my grandpa and I would sit out here at night while my grandma would put on old records and sing as she sewed. He'd teach me the names of all the constellations and the legends behind them.  
  
It was like a fairy tale- the fresh flowers and candles at dinner and the cookies just out of the oven with a big glass of milk waiting for me when I got home from school."  
  
Nick didn't interrupt, didn't move until she stopped and cried.  
  
He moved closer to her and covered her hand with his own.  
  
They sat quietly until Nick's curiosity stand it anymore.  
  
"You lived here? With your grandparents?"  
  
Sara nodded and refused to meet his eyes.  
  
"Is that why you and your mother don't get along?"  
  
He could feel her tense up next to him before she stood up, letting Nick's hand fall away.  
  
"No. I could never be as simple as that," she said bitterly.  
  
Nick softened his voice, "Wanna talk about it?"  
  
Sara whirled on him, "No, I don't want to talk about it. It doesn't concern you, it's my problem."  
  
"Because I never forgave her."  
  
"What?" Sara asked, calming down, "What are you talking about?"  
  
"You asked me once why my mother and I didn't get along," he said catching her eyes, "because I never forgave her."  
  
Sara sank back down next to him, "Never forgave her for what?"  
  
Nick smiled sadly, "For hiring the baby-sitter. When I was nine, the girl who was baby-sitting me one night came into my room and raped me."  
  
Sara closed her eyes in shock.  
  
"I was angry at the world, I blamed her at the time. She was the one who had left me with her- she was my mother, she was supposed to protect me. She didn't understand my anger because I never told her what happened, but that just led to more arguments. I don't think either of us has fully forgiven each other for the things we said."  
  
Sara sat in silence, her head trying to process everything he'd just told her.  
  
She didn't notice she was crying until Nick wiped a tear from her cheek.  
  
She looked in his eyes and everything just tumbled out.  
  
"She hates me because I destroyed her perfect family and embarrassed her. After my dad died she remarried. My step-father used to come into my room at night and......."  
  
Her eyes told him the rest.  
  
"When I got a little older, I called the police on him, but my mother convinced them I was lying. I tried to tell her, but she just slapped me and told me not say such things. It got worse then, he didn't wait until night-time, he knew my mother didn't believe me. I got older and he got.. rougher. One night when I was 14, he brought his friends home with him when he was drunk and he let them all rape me. The bastard helped hold me down--" her voice broke and she couldn't stop herself from crying.  
  
Nick held her as she sobbed, his own tears falling on her hair.  
  
Sara refused to look at him when she finally pulled away. She felt so ashamed, so exposed. She had never told anyone before and she didn't like the fact that he knew.  
  
She wished she could take it back.  
  
Nick put a finder under her chin and turned her face back to his.  
  
He understood what she was feeling.  
  
Sara saw that understanding in his eyes. No disgust, no pity, just understanding.  
  
Suddenly, she felt lighter, like she could breathe easier and realized that maybe it wasn't so bad having someone else know.  
  
It was almost a relief to have actually spoken the words out loud.  
  
"That's when I came here," she said softly, "they gave me my dreams back, made me realize I was worthy of real love and that it was actually easy to smile."  
  
"You guys were lucky to have each other."  
  
######  
  
They stayed in the garden until they heard the car doors slam in the driveway.  
  
They could hear voices as they made their way back into the house.  
  
Sara's aunt met them in the kitchen.  
  
"Sara, how could you do something like that in front of everyone, and at your grandparent's funeral?!"  
  
Sara was calm as she looked her in the eye, "It needed to be done, grandma and grandpa would have understood."  
  
"Well, I don't and I won't condone that kind of snotty, selfish behavior. Do you know how embarrassed everyone was?"  
  
"Frankly, I don't care. This house is mine and I would like it if you left. Now."  
  
Her aunt stammered, "Well... how dare... of all the... - C'mon girls! We're leaving!"  
  
Her daughters materialized behind her and she glared at Sara.  
  
"I hope you're happy."  
  
They got their suitcases and slammed the door behind them.  
  
Nick moved up next to her.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Actually, yeah. I guess today is the day for family confrontations," she said, giving him a small smile.  
  
"Now, sit down guest, and let me make you a good old-fashioned family dinner."  
  
#####  
  
Nick stayed with Sara for the next few days, helping her take care of everything. Her grandparent's had left her the house, which was expected, and $500,000. Sara immediately arranged for the house and money to be used towards a shelter for homeless kids. Maybe other kids could find their lives again there, and her grandparent's house would finally be full of children.  
  
They flew back to Vegas together and got right back to work. Both of them had missed it terribly.  
  
Everyone welcomed them back and forced them to listen to their horror stories about the day-shift substitutes.  
  
Nick and Sara smiled at each other over the team's voices, glad to be back where they belonged.  
  
####  
  
It was about two days after they had gotten back when Sara finally remembered to ask Nick about something that had been bothering her.  
  
She waited until they were getting ready to leave before she got him alone.  
  
"Hey, Nick, tell me something. Why did you go through all that trouble to follow me? I don't think anyone else would have ever done that for me."  
  
Nick smiled at her, "I thought you could probably use a friend."  
  
He took a step closer, "that and..." he caught her lips in her and kissed her speechless.  
  
He smiled at her wide eyes and walked away, leaving Sara to stare after him with a silly grin that refused to go away. 


End file.
